I’m currently involved in the hardest battle of my life. It’s a war I can never win but one where I will, if I’m lucky, reach a draw.
Even reporting from the front is difficult, let alone fighting at the same time, because my enemy controls supplies so vital to the maintenance of my forces. Every day my side is weaker while the foe maintains itself without injury.
This isn’t a war on terror though. It’s a war on pleasure. Or perceived pleasure.
Because I’ve just quit smoking.
It’s been three days now since they left my life – those, those smooth darlings of nicotine heaven – and I’m crumbling like a jilted lover.
All I can think about are cigs, if I can even think anymore. To be honest I’m not sure I can. My brain feels like it’s being sucked out my nostrils very slowly.
I feel stupid – like someone has come along and knocked my IQ in half – and the quick thinking I used to be known for is no-where to be seen. I can still do wit, but only half of what I used to be able.
I don’t even know where this blog entry is going. Without the false cool of cigs I’m becoming an emotional, irrational wreck.
But I now recognise that cigarettes, and tobacco itself (so no hand-rolled is healthier argument can stand), are BAD for me.
With cigs there are all those extra additives that make smoking more addictive than shooting heroin but with all smoking there are the damaging chemicals produced by pyrolysis (the burning of tobacco) that smokers suck down into their soft, vulnerable lungs.
* Yes, I’m now getting angry with the design of lungs for not being man enough to take all the chemicals cigs throw at them. Nicotine withdrawal does have a habit of making one rather unreasonable. *
So for my health’s sake I’ve quit and without the smoke screen to blind me, I see just how nasty tobacco really is. It’s made me it’s bitch and I’m missing being punished soooo much.
I’m not preaching though. It seems when someone quits they either become fat or a prig. Or both.
There’s no smugness here when I watch someone light up. Just cold sweats and an almost uncontrollable desire to snatch the cigarette for myself at ANY cost.
It’s up to the individual to decide to quit. I’ve known of the dangers of smoking for ages but tried every argument and excuse to justify continuing getting my nicotine hit. Now I think I really do want to give up.
I’ve gone cold turkey and only time will tell if I succeed.
Wish me luck, and smoke ’em if you’ve got them.